That Time Of The Month

It’s that time of month again. With the blood and the pain and the mood swings and the ravenous appetite.
It sucks being a werewolf.
I’m constantly wondering how female werewolves deal with menstruating during a full moon (I have literally always wondered about this. Sometimes I wake up at midnight in a cold sweat, gasping “How? How do they handle it?! I just don’t know!”
“Werewolves don’t exist. Go back to sleep, you weirdo.”
“You’re a weirdo.”
These are the things I dedicate deep thoughts to)
Picture this:

The moon shone down, illuminating the well worn path. A group of humans made their way into the clearing, the sound of branches and dead leaves crushing beneath their feet rang out clear.
A dark skinned man suddenly stepped forward and looked at the rest.
“It is time.” He said.
And then the change began.
Bodies writhing in agony, the sound of bones cracking and reforming, flesh being stretched and hair growing out of skin at rapid rates.
Where once stood humans, now paced a pack of ferocious wolves.
“And now,” growled the leader, “we hunt.”

“Wait,” another member of the pack sniffed the air, “I smell blood.”
He was right, the faint scent of blood lingered in the air.
“Oh yeah… that’s me. It’s… well it’s that time of month again.” Another voice suddenly spoke up.
“What do you mea- Oh. Oh.”
All the males in the pack suddenly looked really uncomfortable.
“Er… maybe you should… sit this one out Lucy.” The leader mumbled.
“What? No! I can hunt just as well as the rest of you.”
“Yeah but, no offense, the prey will probably smell you from a mile away. You just stay here and… do whatever it is you do. The rest of you, come with me.”

Poor Lucy.
The way men get so squeamish when they hear anything even slightly related to periods is hilarious. I’ve used periods as an excuse for almost anything and it kinda mostly works, especially if the person you’re talking to is male.

“Why didn’t you do your homework?”
“I would have, sir, but I had major cramps last night. See it’s that time of the month.”
“Oh… er well yes… See that it doesn’t happen again.”
(“You hear that, uterus? Best behave”)

Of course it would be nice if all teachers got the hint as quickly.
This one time in class I sidle up to my teacher, with my bag in my hand, and whisper, “I need to go to the toilet.”
The teacher looks down at the bag and he’s like, “What are you taking your bag for?”
“I need stuff inside it.”
“What do you need?”
And at this point I’m feeling like saying, “I have a pad in here and I need to go to the toilet and put it on because blood is pouring out of my southern orifice.”
He let me go eventually though. This is something that should be taught to male teachers right along with sex ed.
The problem is that schools are so afraid to teach boys and girls about the sexuality of the opposite sex because they think it will turn into a hotbed of wild orgies and unprotected sex.
I know guys that are heavily ignorant about what menstruation really is.
A girl got her period during class and it was obvious because her whole outfit got stained.
Anyhoo this guy suddenly goes, “Why didn’t she just wait till she got home to do that?”
And I’m like, “You’re kidding right?”
No, no he wasn’t.
A bunch of us girls had to explain to him that it is not something you can control. It’s not like needing to pee or a tap you turn on and off. It’s this massive inconvenience that our bodies put us through every month.
“You’re not pregnant but you are in pain. Congratulations.”

image

We really need to stop treating periods like they’re something to be embarrassed about.
When I was younger I was rather bashful about the whole menstruation thing. When I needed to buy sanitary pads, I’d shuffle into the nearest supermarket, pick up a few unnecessary things, hide the pads in between them, stand nervously at the check out counter, quickly stick the pad in the bag and run out of there. And if there was a male cashier, I would go to another supermarket.
But now. I stride in, boss af. Grab a pad. Slam it down on the counter. Make eye contact with the checkout person; male, female or nonbinary. Walk out of there like I own the place. This one time, the lady tried to make me wait for a bit because they were out of paper bags and I’m like “I’ll just hold it.” and she honestly looked kind of shocked. And I’m walking home with the pad swinging from my hand like, “Yeah I’m bleeding from my vagina. You got a problem with that?”
Because it is something natural and it should be treated as such.
And if anyone tries to make you feel weird about it, say vagina as many times as you can till they get uncomfortable and leave you alone. You’d be surprised how often it works.

How awkward are you about your period?

For more posts like this, follow my blog!

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “That Time Of The Month

  1. akinleyedamilola says:

    What a great and funny post!!.. I think my sister also find the whole period thing bizzare..no one knows her menstrual cycle…I guess she doesn’t like talking about it..
    Menstruation or periods shldnt be a thing of disgust to both genders especially male..at the mere mention of “I’m on my period”, they go running…its just wrong..they have to understand its a compulsory phase of a female’s life.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Elm says:

    I used to be awkward, but I’m not any more. It makes me sad though, when people just don’t understand it at all. Also WHAT your posts are about the funiest things I read!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Funke olotu says:

    Lmfao…. jeez… I was laughing all the way… the guy actually said that …why didn’t she wait….OMG…
    You’re a boss tho.. I’ll give you that and am stealing from your IDK attitude.
    Great and funny post
    Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jemima says:

      He really did! I was shocked at first then later realised how funny it was.
      Like we were in SS3. I thought at some point in the educational curriculum, they would have covered menstruation. But apparently not.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Zoe says:

    Oh my Gosh!, LoL×Rotfl. This is so hilarious but its true and very motivating. I can relate to a whole lot of what you wrote and I agree with you. You got guts girl, and it’s inspiring. Okay, I’ma follow your blog now don’t want to miss this kind of ‘breath of fresh air mixed with cackling out on the floor’ post in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s