I’m a good person.
At least I like to think I am.
I’m a good friend, at the very least.
I don’t usually subscribe to the notion that people can be good or bad. I believe that people can do bad things and good things and then be defined by the majority of their actions.
So, with that being said, I do mostly good things.
There is one thing however that… I find a little difficult.
How do I put it?
I can’t be happy, like genuinely happy, for my friend when something good happens to them unless something better happens to me.
It’s the most annoying thing and I wish I could stop it because I don’t want to be like that but I honestly can’t.
Let’s say my friend gets a higher grade than me or an opportunity that I wanted or something. I assume this isn’t something most people would like but I am downright bothered by it.
I’m not envious in the sense that I want what they have; I want more than what they have. And I don’t like that.
I’m naturally a competitive person and I’m fine with that, I think it’s helpful actually.
But I don’t like the negative feeling I get when something good happens to my friend and not to me.
“They’re your friend, for crying out loud! Be happy for them.”
Yeah yeah, I know. Easier said than done.
And that’s not even the worst part.
The worst thing is that sometimes I actually feel happy when they fail.
It’s horrible but true.
Not when they fail in general but when I surpass their efforts.
But not like major failure. I don’t know how to put it because I fully sympathise with them and try to offer comfort but I just get this little… sickening thrill at the beginning.
And that’s a problem. But ah well, I’m working on it and hopefully I’ll move past it because it’s not a nice feeling at all.
Do you ever feel envious of your friend’s success or happy about their misfortune? How do you deal with that?